Case File #003: The Open Door Phenomenon
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CASE SUMMARY
Dad Lab researchers have documented a recurring paternal response to exterior doors remaining open longer than scientifically acceptable.
Evidence suggests that fathers possess an internal mechanism capable of detecting an unsecured doorway regardless of their location within the home.
Researchers have been unable to determine the precise amount of time a door may remain open before triggering a response.
Preliminary findings suggest:
Not very long.
THE OBSERVATION
During routine testing, researchers deliberately left the back door open while carrying several items into the house.
Within seconds, the subject appeared from another room and observed the open doorway.
The subject immediately asked:
"Are you planning on closing that?"
Researchers explained that additional items still needed to be brought inside.
The subject considered this information briefly before asking the question that has puzzled generations of researchers:
"Were you raised in a barn?"
The subject was aware that researchers had not, in fact, been raised in a barn.
RESEARCH QUESTION
Why does an open door concern Dad?
Researchers identified several possible explanations:
- Loss of conditioned air
- Increased household energy consumption
- Potential insect infiltration
- Unauthorized neighborhood wildlife
- A deeply rooted paternal distrust of open doors
- Dad is not paying to heat and cool the entire outdoors
TESTING PROCEDURE
Researchers conducted a series of controlled experiments involving exterior doors left open for varying lengths of time.
At five seconds, the subject showed no visible response.
At eleven seconds, the subject glanced toward the doorway.
At eighteen seconds, the subject became noticeably uncomfortable.
At twenty-four seconds, the subject announced:
"Close the door."
During the final trial, researchers deliberately left the door open while standing directly in the doorway having a conversation.
The subject observed the situation for approximately six seconds before asking:
"Are you coming in or going out?"
Researchers replied that they were simply talking.
The subject determined this was not one of the available options.
FINDINGS
Evidence suggests that Dad possesses an unusually low tolerance for prolonged doorway exposure.
Researchers have classified the phenomenon as Paternal Doorway Exposure Response, or PDER.
Further analysis revealed that response severity increases significantly when either the air conditioning or furnace is operating.
Researchers attempted to calculate the actual amount of conditioned air lost during a twenty-four-second exposure.
The subject rejected the study as unnecessary.
According to the subject:
"I'm not paying to air-condition the whole neighborhood."
Researchers noted that the neighborhood is considerably larger than the doorway.
This information did not alter the findings.
PROF. I. ROLL'S CONCLUSION
After extensive analysis, the Dad Lab has determined that an exterior door exists in one of two scientifically acceptable states:
Open briefly for entry or exit.
Or closed.
There is no third state.
Standing in the doorway is not a state.
Talking in the doorway is not a state.
Thinking about whether you want to go outside is definitely not a state.
Close the door.